An Ode to Summer

Today's the last day of Summer vacation..The empty halls will soon with the echoes of children's laughter and their chitter-chatter about what they did over the holidays. So good to be young.

But, I'm feeling kind of blue. For the end of summer means the coming of fall. I love fall, it's romantic, but grey. The nights are getting cooler these days, you need a blanket to keep you warm in bed. There are other needs as well...like wanting to have someone lay beside me and wrap his arms around me and falling asleep peacefully.

Haven't been able to sleep lately, too many things going on in my head. I worry about the smallest things. Lately, it's all about the telephone. I'm scared that the phone might ring and it'll be mum telling me that something bad's happened back home. It's scary because I'm in Japan and there are two old family members in Taiwan and Australia. I know it's not going to happen...but there's always a what if.

I've been scared of the phone ringing at night ever since Grandma passed away.
The phone rang that night when her condition was getting worse. We had to rush to the hospital...we made it in time to be with her when she passed. But, ever since then...

Have you ever seen someone pass away in front of you? See the life slowly draining out of them? See the blood slowly go away from their face? And what's left is just the limpness of their body. They look so peaceful, just like when they're sleeping. But really, they're no longer there. They no longer can feel your touch, see your face, listen to your words...It's all an empty nothing. Where do people's soul go when they're no longer alive? Do you think that they really hover above the ceiling and watch their loved ones cry over their body? In the Buddhist tradition, when someone passes away, you can't cry or call out their names in front of the body. Because it's said to be that the soul is pulling away from the body, and that there is a struggle between the two..and the more loved ones cry over the body, the soul can't move on. And you're not allowed to move the body of the deceased. When Grandma passed away, we had to ask for special permission from the hospital to let us have the bed for 8hours whilst we chanted before moving Grandma to the funeral parlor.

During that 8hours, I never closed my eyes...just sitting there chanting, and looking at her. The rest of the family members took turns in sleeping, but I just couldn't close my eyes. I thought we, and the doctors made some mistake...thought she'd open her eyes and be well again. But even if she did open her eyes, she wouldn't be well. She'd still be suffering. So, it was better to let her go. Till this day, I believe Grandma wasn't ready to go. She couldn't believe she was sick. She was the last person I thought who could get sick. Cancer. How can you tell someone they'll recover from cancer?

When your parent pass away, you no longer have a mum or a dad. That for me is a hard concept to deal with. I can not imagine life without my mum or dad. To lose a grandma was sad, but for my dad it was very tough. He was her favorite child. And to hear him utter the words, "I no longer have a mum" ... it broke my heart into pieces. Grandma passed away in 2003...wow, 3 years has passed already...

Don't know why I chose today to speak so openly about it...The Chinese (and Japanese) believe that the soul comes back home on the 49th day after they pass. On Grandma's 49th day, she did come back. She appeared in my dream, wearing a velvet blue chinese dress, very elegant. Smiling at me...I was telling her that everything will be alright, and just let go. Daddy will be alright as well, and then telling her I love her. I woke up, my pillow was wet. My eyes were wet. Mum told me she saw Grandma in her dream as well. Dad said our dog was howling in the middle of the night. What do you think? Did my grandma come back to say goodbye...